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Archive for the ‘Kids say the darndest things’ Category

One of my absolute favourite things about knowing kids (and living with them), is the funny things they say.

I found this list in my drafts. Originally it was just things Tiernan says, but I’m going to include Molly and Neave here, too.

Tiernan:

Alive = Alived. I have no idea why he feels the extra ‘d’ is necessary.

‘Ear mugs’ = Ear muffs.

‘For good’, as in ‘I’m going to wash my hands for good’ = I’m not really sure what he means by this but I think he is just trying to highlight the importance of what he is doing!

‘I’ll be as good as gold’ when he is trying to convince me to take him somewhere.

‘Pirates of the Caravan’. After all this time he still says it.

Molly:

‘Berember’ = Remember.

‘Cement’ or sometimes ‘dement’ = Meant.

‘Underbrella’ = Umbrella.

‘Hostible’ = Hospital.

Neave:

‘Neabie’ = Neavie. I’m not sure she realises her name is actually Neave, and not Neavie.

‘Wibawef’ = Elizabeth. It’s especially cute when we say ‘Neave Elizabeth’ to her, and she says, “Don’t call me Wibawef!”

‘Sweety-art’ = Sweetheart.

‘Aunty Gran’ = Could mean either Aunty Kate, or Gran. She is always getting them mixed up!

‘Birffay’ = Birthday.

Ah! It gets worse. And a bit funny.

Tom got home from work. Molly met him at the door, and inquired about his day, in her bubbly way. Tom responded that he’d had a good day but had heard some sad news.

Tom: “I heard that you said some rude words today.”

Molly: “Oh. Yeah.”

Tom: “Well, I don’t want to hear that you’ve said rude words ever again, or there will be big trouble, okay?”

Molly: “Okay Dad.”

Tom: “Because saying rude words is not okay.”

Tiernan: “Yeah, she said fuck.”

At which point I proceeded to snigger loudly from the adjacent room while Tom sternly lectured Tiernan about not repeating the rude words that other people say because that is also not okay.

When the lecture was done, Tiernan came into the room I was in and we made eye contact. I adopted a sober expression but he must have seen that I’d been laughing. He hesitated and then said with a smile,

“Well that was a bit confusing.”

I laughed out loud and hugged him while he continued, “I only said that Molly said…”

I cut in before he got himself into more trouble, “Yes I know you didn’t actually mean it but you still said it.”

Tiernan: “So does that mean I have to say she said a rude word, instead of saying the rude word?”

Me: “Yes, that’s what that means.”

Tiernan: “We’ll if no-one is allowed to say it, why do they even bother having that word?”

Me: “Good point.”

Tom and I are still laughing about it. We’ll argue about which one of us taught our kids to swear later, I guess.

Not so proud of this one, but here goes…

I overheard Molly and Neave in another room while I was going about my jobs today:

Neave: “Molly, are you my friend? Are you my friend, Molly? Molly? Are you my friend? Are you my friend Molly? Are you my friend? Molly?”

Molly: Okay! Yes I am your friend. Fuck.

We’re settling in, here in Queensland We’re busy catching all the Queensland bugs going round. All of us have sniffles, but the kids are particularly blocked up. We’ve had some amusing conversations as a result, such as this one at the dinner table tonight.

Tiernan: “I got wet sand thrown at me today.”

Me: “At school?”

Tiernan: “No it’s not!”

Molly: “It’s not cool, Mum!”

Me: “I didn’t say it was cool, I said ‘at school.'”

Tiernan: “Yes at school.”

Me: “Well, that’s not cool.”

Tiernan: “Snot pool?”

Molly: (Laughing) “Snot pool!”

Me: “Oh, I give up!”

By the way, the wet sand thing was a game, apparently. Tiernan gave as good as he got, and then they all got in trouble… Well, that’s his version of events anyway.

We were discussing Ancient Egyptian mummies in the car this evening.

Actually, no. First we were discussing Scooby Doo, but the conversation naturally wound its way around to Ancient Egyptian mummies.

I explained a little about the process involved in making a mummy, and that it was done to preserve the dead person’s body.

Tiernan asked what Daddy Egyptians turned into when they died.

I told him they were turned into mummies, too, and that mummifying has nothing to do with being a Mummy or a Daddy, it’s a completely different thing.

Then I told him that Ancient Egyptians sometimes even mummified animals, like cats.

He was incredulous. Why did they do that?

I answered that they believed cats to be Gods so they treated them with honour and turned some into mummies when they died.

He asked what a God is.

I told him a God is a being with special powers.

He laughed. They were pretty stupid and funny then, weren’t they?

Yep. Those stupid Ancient Egyptians, with their uncanny scientific knowledge and ability to build mind-blowingly immense structures that have stood for millennia, and we can’t even figure out how they did it.

Stupid indeed.

Molly’s vocabulary is expanding rapidly, but she doesn’t always get the new words quite right. Here are some of her funny sayings before I forget them:

Umbrella = ‘Underbrella’

Meant (as in, “I meant to do that”) = ‘Cement’ or even ‘Dement’. Very funny in context!

Material = ‘Bacterial’

Ignoring / Annoying = ‘Annoring’. Or sometimes just ‘Noring’

Distract = ‘Just whack’. As in, “Mum, I’m not just whacking her!”

More = ‘Morla’. What the??

Contact lenses = ‘Contact lessons’. When she asks me, “Mum, why do you need contact lessons?”, it makes me feel like I am about to embark on a top-secret mission to another planet to make contact with other life forms, and I am having contact lessons to prepare me for my task. Exciting.

 

Okay, so I’m not above concocting elaborate schemes for bribing my children to do things that I feel are necessary. For example, the Nappy Fairy visited both Tiernan and Molly when push came to shove with toilet training. That went pretty well, so I reserved the right to apply the concept in other circumstances. In teacher speak, this is called ‘Synthesizing, and I awarded myself full points for my cleverness. Until it all went wrong.

The time has come for Tiernan to stop sucking his thumb.

He has had dermatitis around his mouth and on his thumb for some weeks now, caused by saliva as he sucks his thumb in his sleep and drools everywhere. We were treating it, but a few days ago he developed an impetigo infection around his mouth. Impetigo is contagious and needs to be treated with antibiotics. He is off preschool today and I am home from work because of the impetigo. This is not something I wish to repeat. The thumb sucking has got to stop.

We had been discussing this with Tiernan since the dermatitis started anyway. He was pretty resistant to the idea. However, once the impetigo started and I made him wash his hands every time he touched his face (so he didn’t give it to us), and he started to realise that impetigo sucks, he did say that he might be able to quit sucking his thumb if we took his blankets away.

In that instant, the Blanket Fairy was born.The Blanket Fairy takes blankets from big kids and gives them to younger kids who need them more, which is exactly what the Nappy Fairy does, only she deals in nappies. Clean ones.

I asked Tiernan if he would like me to get the Blanket Fairy to visit. I explained that the Blanket Fairy would leave him a toy if she let him take his blankets. He got excited about the toy and seemed keen. He went to his room and said goodbye to his blankets, of which he has about seven, left over from his baby days. He used to call them ‘barties’. He likes to rub them on his face while he sucks his thumb.

Then I realised the Blanket Fairy (ie. Me) wouldn’t have time to go to the toy shop that night, so I told him he could have one more night with his blankets and say goodbye tomorrow. He was cool with that. He said he would miss his blankets but he was big enough now not to need them anymore, and that he didn’t want to suck his thumb anymore either. So brave.

But that was during the day.

In the evening, he changed his mind. He was tired. And sleepy. And a big baby again. He wanted his blankets and his thumb and was never, ever giving any of them up.

Two days later – today – I broached the subject again. We’re both home because of his impetigo. We had the opportunity to visit ‘Toy Giraffes’, the coolest toyshop ever (also known as ‘Toys R Us’ if you’re an adult). So I told Tiernan that I had spoken to the Blanket Fairy on the phone (he already thought that anyway – I was talking to my Mum and he asked me if it was the Blanket Fairy, so it wasn’t really that much of a lie). I said the Blanket Fairy had given me some money to buy him a new toy and that she wanted him to pick one out so that she didn’t get the wrong thing. Also, she’s really tiny and can’t carry big things.

He bought it. He was super excited about going to ‘Toy Giraffes’. He was ready to sign over his soul for a visit to ‘Toy Giraffes’, so his blankets were only a small promise, in the scheme of things.

We went in. He picked his new Spiderman Toy. We came home. We started to pack up his blankets.

He baulked. Then I baulked, too.

Each blanket we found seemed to bring up different memories for him. He smelled each one and told me it was his favourite and could he please, please keep it? After the third one, I couldn’t handle it any more and started to compromise on the Blanket Fairy’s behalf. “Okay, I’m sure the Blanket Fairy will let you keep that one…”, until we had four blankets in the bag, and five in the cupboard. Not exactly what the Blanket Fairy had in mind. I ploughed on, trying to negotiate a better return for the Blanket Fairy’s investment, but that’s when he decided that he really didn’t want Spiderman after all and the Blanket Fairy could have him back. Then he started to cry.

Sigh.

I can see now that his blankets are still very special to him. I don’t want to make him give them away. But how do we renege on our deal with the Blanket Fairy, and keep our dignity?

We don’t. We wrote her a letter and begged to keep the blankets and Spiderman. We agreed that Tiernan would not sleep with the blankets anymore, but keep them in his cupboard. We explained that just having Spiderman would be enough to remind Tiernan not to suck his thumb during the day. Also, we made a plan to cut the tags off Tiernan’s pyjamas because he also likes to hold those while he sucks his thumb (weird kid), and argued that this was a far better plan that giving away the blankets. Last of all, we promised that Tiernan would look after his blankets, until he is bigger and ready to give them to the Blanket Fairy.

Only, Tiernan made me change that bit and he ended up promising to look after his blankets, and when he is bigger he will wear them as scarves. Every day.

Oh dear.

We are still waiting on her response.